People pleasing in the bedroom

Hi Magical One, Can you relate to people pleasing? What about in the bedroom?The four F’s of trauma responses Are fight flight freeze and fawn. Fawning is people pleasing. It is a biological subconscious response to engage with your threat in order to be safe. 

And fawning is the most complex of all the trauma responses because it’s not about running away or something obvious but it is about engaging even if you don’t want to but your nervous system makes you do it because it believes it is safer to do so. 

And if you are a women or vulva being living in this patriarchal world, well you have to deal with your threat everywhere you go, on top of it, we are often sexually and romantically attracted to our threat. So it makes a very confusing response in our body. 

With mixed messages of our sexuality, our body, and our relationships all around us, how do we sift through if we are empowered or people pleasing? 

One of the most obvious ways is if you identify with anxious attachment. You will do anything to be in a relationship or keep your partner, even though deep down you know you shouldn’t be there. 

You keep dating people who are putting you down instead of lifting you up. Bullies, degrading jokes, control, narcissists. It somehow seems "safer" then being single.  

You are likely confused what you actually like and desire during sex, so you just go along with what your partner wants. You’re left feeling like sex wasn’t that great for you but you just slough it off and think that it can’t get much better for you so you just let it be what it is.

People pleasing in the bedroom also looks like; giving head to your partner and not receiving it back, faking Os, letting s:x finish when your partner finishes but not you, letting your partner finish and then finishing yourself off, not speaking up for your needs and desires. But have you ever thought of it this way before? Is the s:x you are having focus on your partner or focused on yourself? For what percentage to whom?

And not to mention, but how does that play out in your life? How we show up in the bedroom is also how we show up in life. We've been trained by patriarchy not to centre ourselves and to be ashamed that we aren't getting pleasure from how our partner wants pleasure. But what would happen if we really looked inward towards ourselves and put the focus there? Scary thought to do so hey?That is why we are doing it together. Dismantling it in community in The Pleasure Witch Coven. Because you are born in a human body, you are programmed to feel incredible pleasure as your birth right. But it needs to be focused on as a skill in order to unlock it!