My story to how I got here and what this deep experience gave me.
My journey to this point consisted of a lot. This past year I underwent an immense journey of learning tantra and reclaiming my sacred sexuality. I reached the depths of my loneliness. I purged. I crawled on the floor and touched my disgust, my despair. Learning how to do so alongside magic and wild orgasmic pleasure. I became a witch. A tantrika. And stepped so profoundly into my role as a healer.
What has come out of it has been immense expansion. Deep understanding of the spectrum of human experience. And most of all healing. Healing so profound, coming from a place where I would pray daily not to wake up in the morning, to a place that has endless possibilities and magic. A place that has returned me truly to myself, and that celebrates my wild authenticity as the human I am on this earth. And now I live and play in the whole human experience, pain along with my ecstasy. Expanding and expanding as I go.
Loneliness was a very deep depth that I got the privilege of processing this year. I come from a very lonely childhood, which became my defence mechanism but also a strong anxious attachment to romantic relationships. I didn’t want anyone to get to close to me so I floated around the earth without planting roots anywhere, but I also desperately craved connection that I didn’t trust, which made me attract romantic relationships that tried to control me and clip my wings of their own attachment issues. I wanted to be in a cage, they wanted to cage me, but the reality I had to face was that this cage made me beyond miserable. It was a trauma response that was stuck on a loop.
I couldn’t love myself if I was alone. I simultaneously believed I didn’t deserve to be loved.
In the summer of 2021, I thought I found “my person”. We burned hot and fast. It fell apart when he was faced with stepping in and he sabotaged and downward spiralled himself. It was simultaneously the worst heartbreak I had ever had but gave me the biggest gift in my healing journey so far - a deep initiation to step so far into my loneliness, really see what is there, and see how I could finally liberate it. It was dark let me tell ya. I reached depths I never knew I could. I’m still going through it, but the pieces are much smaller and much more easier to integrate as I go. And I have pleasure beside me as my tool to process. So processing my pain is much different than it ever was before. It is manageable and pleasurable, you have to experience it to believe it.
Apart of processing heartbreak for me is to always get back on the horse relatively soon. This is what led me to my current lover. My current lover and I have been led to each other distinctly because of the previous work on ourselves. It is incredibly obvious. We have built an incredible foundation of safety and consent culture which has opened the door for the most wild sexual experiences I have ever been able to experience with a partner. This type of foundational work creates space for deep surrender, ability to be completely accepted in your authentic self, and wild non-judgemental playfulness. These things then alchemize into wild magic, ecstatic orgasms, and deep emotional healing.
While having sex with your partner you actively feel your sexual assault healing… That is a strong moment of clarity of how far you have come. This was the moment my divine feminine surrendered to my true ability to call in divine masculine to hold me there.
This is the process of healing neglect and relationships for me. Along with sisterhood and community.
The Ropes.
We had brought it up that we are both explorers of sexuality very early in our relationship. How we were so curious but never had the trust with a partner to be able to do so.
Shibari came up in conversation, and we had found a couple that does private lessons. But that was a couple of months ago and we hadn’t really brought it up since.
It was his birthday January 17th and I decided to book the lesson and completely surprise him. He had guessed maybe that’s what we were doing but I deterred and he was excitedly surprised when we showed up and there was a big bamboo stick with ropes hanging in the middle of this man’s living room.
We had gotten to a point of trust with each other that we could surprise each other this way and I knew showing up to be tied up, I would be held by him as my partner and as the ropes he tied around me, in great love, consent, and safety.
We first sat and chatted with the instructor who put the upmost importance on the mental safety and especially consent. He told us how many couples come with trying to have perfection but the attitude of play and communication is what really made the success for those that were. After the lesson our instructor told us how he wrote a book on how people‘s deep personalities are presented with this art and it was obvious that from the start that was his approach.
After the intro we got to tying. I was the bunny and my partner was the rigger. Our instructor was patient and passionate. It was a beautiful setting that made the experience able to surrender to it and let the emotions flow as your deep personality shines through.
As someone who has chronic illness and chronic pain, I was worried that I would be so uncomfortable being tied up. But it was the complete opposite. When I was able to surrender, the pleasure painted over the pain and transformed it into a wave of ecstasy. I was able to be the part of myself that doesn’t have to try hard to be able bodied like everyone else. I could just be held in being myself. There was consent, safety, and holding. All a recipe for surrender. The smile came. The oxytocin washed over me like the mdma pills I used to take before I became clean and sober. Every time the knots were tied and then adjusted to fit the curves of my body perfectly.
Like a perfect puzzle piece. But with creativity and play involved. And crafted individually for us.
My partner was getting the hang of it beautifully. When he surrendered to his role his dominance and his pride came out. His divine masculine was presented euphorically like it was on a stage. I got to witness his hesitation progress into his pride. It was beautiful.
Our instructor talked about tying too loose vs too tight. And asked for consent to have body contact with me to show my partner how to use more of his power. The instructor came up from behind me wrapped the rope and hugged me tight and tightened the rope in what seemed like one swift confident movement. It was exhilarating for me. It was incredibly erotic. Fiery erotic.
As where being rigged by my partner was a watery progression of eroticism. That reflected our relationship beautifully.
This experience was an incredibly significant representation to all the work I have been doing up until this point. The healing, the exploration, the heartbreak, the foundation with my partner. Most of all the journey of consent culture I have build with my relationship with my own body and my relationship with my romantic partnership. Reconstructing all the non consensual experiences I have been in in the past. Sexual assault. And where my body was used, my energy taken from me. This experience represented my choice, my ability to surrender, my worthiness of being loved in safety, and my consent with my own body. It is a milestone in my exploration of wild orgasmic empowerment.
It gave me a new dimension of human experience of ecstasy.
And it all came together like a perfectly tied knot. 🪢
Note: I am almost a year clean and sober and no substance I touched in the past came even close to the journey I am on now. I truly believe stepping away from numbness and into whatever it is that is there is what makes the true human experience keep expanding.
And learning to do it beside pleasure, that is the art that I teach 😘
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